It’s almost New Year’s… that time of the year where I get to carry over this year’s new year’s resolutions to next year’s.
JK I didn’t make a list last year.
To me, new year’s resolutions – like a lot of other things – are things that we have just so you can say you have them (Think about the times you said “Yeah I went to eat at restaurant X / tried doing Y / watched film Z just so I can say I did.” – same thing).
Yes, they are a set of goals people have to get them off to a good start in the new year, but really they are things that can be done on any of the other 364 days in the year so essentially they’re there to:
1) Fool you into thinking that there’s a right time to make something right (new year’s) while in fact it’s always the right time to make something right
2) Make you feel better / motivated / filled with purpose that you’ve made a list of adult things to do and achieve
3) Help you get over the Mondays of months aka January
4) Have something to say when odd people ask you, “So have any NY resolutions?” and not stand there silently like you’re the odd one
So… contradicting whatever I just said above, these are my new year’s resolutions, followed by the things I actually accomplished in 2016. I will provide a rationale behind each resolution and mention people who have inspired me to think about them in the first place.
1. Be skinny enough that when I wear a turtleneck I don’t look like a bloated meatball
Like everyone else and because I am basic no matter how much I try, I want to lose weight. I grew up thinking skinny is beautiful. Yes this is where you come in with the “real women have curves” adage but really let’s be real: real women take care of themselves.
Anyway I don’t know how far into 2017 I’m going to start my effort into achieving this because I like to avoid the gym in January. It’s the busiest time of the year at the gym and I hate gym crowd. It’s like Christmas day at church and exam day in university. Like where did everyone come from?! Where have you been all these time?!
But on a serious note, how do girls look skinny in turtle necks?! How does one wear a neck-hugging blouse without looking like a bobble head? Let me go off on a tangent to say the same thing about peplum tops. How does one wear a peplum top without looking like your thighs have been injected with steroids?
I never knew how much I enjoy wearing turtle necks until my friend – let’s call her JL – pointed out how refined and polished they (are supposed to) make you look. That and the morbidly awful Canadian winter.
2. No more carbs for dinner
I used to hate (eating with) people who are on a diet. Dude, you only eat with me once in a while and you’re getting A SALAD???? How sad do you have to be to eat a salad when you’re eating out? Answer is as sad as 22-yo Natasha Gan.
Either you die young or live old enough to be the person you hate, amirite or amirite? I mean even at 22, I’ve lived old enough to be multiple persons I hate including but not limited to people who take mirror selfies, people who don’t eat meat and people who don’t drink hard liquor.
Whenever I grab dinner with my friend – let’s call him AR – I would usually suggest things that are close to my home because I’m a cancer and I like to stay within my “shell” (don’t gimme crap for believing in horoscopes – I swear I just believe in the personality traits and not predictions). One of the closest places that serve Asian food that I genuinely enjoy is a ramen place and noodles = carbs = fat. AR would say, “No that’s so fat. Carbs for dinner? No.” I mean I (try to) work out at the gym so much and it doesn’t make sense to cancel out my physical sacrifice for a bowl of unhealthiness.
Although one might argue that it does make sense if you see it as a reward.
One caveat – I won’t be like AR and I won’t voice out my judgement of those who consume carbs when we go out and eat dinner together. I would just silently judge them before spitting in their food because I’m bitter for not letting myself eat carbs.
In 2016 however, I’m patting myself in the back for achieving the following resolutions (which were also carried over from the previous years BTW):
1. I learned how to cook
Not only did I learn how to cook, I learned to enjoy cooking despite the amount of dishes I (read: my cousin) have to do.
I’ve learned a few things including
– spicy Korean pork (which I no longer cook because I try not to eat meat)
– fish tacos
– chicken noodle soup (without the chicken, lol I know)
– all kinds of baked salmon (lemon and garlic, thyme and garlic, honey glazed, honey sesame, parmesan crusted, honey mustard, honey soy, etc)
– chinese cabbage
– broccoli fritters
– chipotle sweet potato sliders, etc.
This was achieved in the course of one month or so because I was unemployed and had too much time in my hands, heh. So can’t take full credit for it, gotta give life some credit.
Also grocery shopping and cooking made me feel more feminine much like how having cars that have a noisy growl make men feel compensated for what they lack in the masculinity department.
2. I learned that credit cards don’t pay themselves when you’re no longer a card under your parents.
This is pretty sad-explanatory. I mean self* explanatory. How does everything add up to such a big amount at the end of the month? Why do we have to pay for the things we eat, buy and use? I don’t get it.
Anyway, I think I have written too much text for one post considering I’m writing to myself and my friends who are essentially people like me, millennials suffering from acute attention span and “I can’t wait to check my phone” disorder.
And just in case people are dumb, which a lot of the times they are, let me just say these resolutions are NOT recommended to be tried at home, unless you want the recipes to the dishes I cooked. In that case I’ll give them to you but not before I sabotage a few items on there just so your turnout isn’t better than mine and so I can still feel special and accomplished and whatnot.
Time’s up. GTG check my phone. <3
PS: I had planned to put “ease into a sugar-free diet” in my 2017 list but I can hear my new coworkers’ rolling their eyes so hard rn